Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	Proud of my loneliness - Saiyuki

Memories
I was listening to a few things that were being said in the German room when I was getting ready to leave for the day. One of the students was talking to Frau about their father molesting them when they where younger. It brought back some memories I didn't even know I had. Here's the gist of it for those that care:

I have a hard time remembering many things. I don't remember when I was 15 all that well. And there are some very random things about my life that I do remember. I remember getting flattened by a christmas tree when I was younger. I remember braking my nose by flipping on the back of some stairs. That on...I think the morning of my 13th birthday, I was greeted by my second stepfather and got to have tea with Emma and ate a banana for breakfast. Never try them one after the other. It's not good. I can remember some of my elementry school teachers. But I can only get bits and peaces from my past. I can't recall a full memory.

The bad. When I was much younger, the apartment that I lived next to was getting fixed up. The mexican workers that were there would greet me from time to time when I would walk outside. One day the only guy there told me to come into the house to see what they were doing. Mind you, I was MAYBE 5. I walked in and he was very kind to me. He sat me in his lap and pointed out things in the room. What they did and how they worked. I don't really remember how but he ended up touching me in a way that I don't want to talk about. You can guess. Funny, because I write about worse stuff then what he did to me. But I guess when it's about you....He gave me money to not say anything I think. I don't know but he did give me money. Talk about sick humor. My thoughts right now are bordering on "Wow...I guess I was selling myself for money at 5 then. Damn, prostitute at a young age." Oh man, some times I really wonder about myself.

Second bad. That I can remember anyway. I was over at a friends house, friend shall remain unnamed. I was lying on a bed with her older brother watching her and her cousin play a game...I felt a hand go under my shirt...I didn't say anything at the time, the kids where there. I think I was 12. Least to say on my own part I held his hand in a grip that would make Ban proud the whole time and gave him a chewing out later on. But he did it again when I was sleeping late at their house a few mouths later.

I've gone through two stepfathers and used to not even remember my real fathers name. One step father I hated because he was mean and just...I don't remember but I KNOW I hated him. My first brother doesn't talk to his father because his dad is a grubby bastard. He thinks that Sean will go after his money if he gets to know him. My second brother sees his father often. He lives in Ohio but he goes there for some holidays. His dad is rich and gives him just about everything. Patrick has a half brother and half sister. I have never met my dad and I'm extremely jealous of Patrick for that. I'm so selfish.

But I should be grateful. I never went through the pains of a divorce or my parents fighting. So I'll keep that in mind.

Random ass note mostly to myself: When the mexican guy was touching me I could see it from another persons prospective. As if I was watching it happen. This maybe why I was able to forget about it. Makes me wonder how much my mental level was when I was younger.

I still haven't told my mother any of this stuff. And I'll ask everyone now to please not say anything to her. I needed to get this out and this was the only place that I could put it without it being in my house. And if she does find out and talks to me about it, I will know who it was. There are few people that look at these things for me. I will have a hard time forgiving you for this.

Alright I'm going to stop now. My chest hurts.